Tess

Tess stops, draws in a deep breath, and turns to look behind her. No one there, no one following her, yet the lingering chill suggests otherwise. She hastens her pace, eyes to the ground, only looking up every few seconds to avoid running into anything. Although she is aware of the many people that go on about their lives around her, the only thing she can hear is the sharp click-clack of her own heavy boot heels. She is grateful for their pounding insistence, for anything quieter would allow the thoughts charging through her mind to gather unnerving momentum.

She looks down at her left hand and unclasps the fist she didn’t realize she was making, only to ball it up again when she sees how much she shakes otherwise. With this she runs into a man, who simply smiles. At first, she is embarrassed, laughs it off. But as the man nods in forgiveness and goes on about his way, Tess begins to wonder if maybe his gaze was too familiar. Had the two met before? Was he in fact her pursuer, throwing her off his scent? She bundles up her thick red trench coat and begins to jog as fast as she can without drawing too much attention to herself. She next ducks into a convenience store, smiles awkwardly at the cashier and heads straight for the restroom. Shutting and locking the door, she begins to search her pockets. Had he dropped a tracking device in any of them? She had to be sure. She takes off the coat, turns it upside down and shakes it vigorously.

A small key hits the floor, creating a small ping that sends a shiver down Tess’ spine. She leans down slowly, observes it and, as if on instinct, swallows the key. At first she struggles, making hideous choking sounds before launching for the sink and washing it down with water, inadvertently splashing her crème-colored blouse.

“Shit.”

Observing herself in the mirror, Tess wipes the water from her mouth as a look of tired relief washes over her. “Harder every time,” she says to her reflection.

Putting her coat back on and buttoning it all the way to hide the water stains, she exits the restroom, smiling again at the confused cashier. As she hits the fresh air, she looks around for the man, but doesn’t see him, so she heads back on her original path.

Finally making it to her town house and heading inside, she slams the door shut, locking all three of her locks. She then leans head first against the door and releases a heavy sigh of relief. She slowly slips off the coat and hangs it up. Then, turning around, she sees something that makes her freeze. Her heart releasing what feels like gallons per second, she can’t even swallow. She’s not even sure she’s breathing. Sitting on her coffee table is small pine box, painted black. It is not unfamiliar to her, but she cannot quite remember exactly what it is or just why it scares her so. She does see that in order to open it, she will need a key.

*

She hovers over the toilet wearing a plain white camisole, a slim black skirt, an apron and yellow cleaning gloves. Before diving in, she releases a short crying jab. She then grits her teeth to make herself stop and, grunting angrily, dives in. She finds the key, yanks it out, flushes and vomits as the remaining contents swirl away.

Frazzled, she slides the gloves and apron into the toilet bowl, washes her hands and the key until she feels she’s scrubbed away all traces of that foul memory and, wiping her hands on her skirt, slowly makes her way toward the box.

Kneeling before it, she inserts the key and pops the lid. All she can do for the first few moments is simply stare at what’s inside. While at most times her age would be hard to guess among her androgynous yet striking features, the stress of the last few days is showing its wear, her face’s gentle but deep lines revealing every one of her 46 years.

Inserting her long, slender hands into the box, she pulls out a gun. A silver Desert Eagle, Mark XIX in .50 Action Express. She observes it closely under the dimming daylight. Only now does she realize how late it’s getting.

“Oh no, I have to pick up James,” she says, standing up so quickly she almost gets a head rush.

“Two and a half hours ago,” says the voice of someone Tess cannot see but fully recognizes.

“Yes, I am aware,” Tess says in a half-gone daze. “But—I simply must go. Even if I’m late.”

“You are late. You can only ever be late again.”

A pain washes over Tess’ face. She begins to sob.

“That’s not going to help you, dear.”

“I know,” Tess cries, unable to halt the flow of tears.

“I don’t think you do. Or else you would stop.” The voice’s words are tough yet still remarkably gentle.

Tess grits her teeth again, knowing this is the only way she can stem her distress enough to get on with what she needs to do.

“There. Now take yourself down a bit. You know where you need to be.”

With surprising resolve, Tess replies, “Yes. Yes I do.”

“What is it that Michael wanted?”

“What do you mean? Who?”

“The man you ran into on the street.”

“Oh, he-he gave me the key. And apparently…this,” she says, holding the gun up.

“That’s not where the key came from. Try to remember.”

Tess sees herself in flashes. In a gun store. Buying a locking case.

“But…why?”

“I’m afraid we don’t have time for this. I think I’m going to have to speed things up a bit.”

Tess lowers her head in fear as a figure moves into light of the setting sun.

“Look at me.”

“I…I can’t.”

“This is the only way it can work.”

Terrified, Tess looks up and is suddenly calmed. Something in her eyes has changed. “See,” she says, looking at the other person in the room. “Isn’t it all much clearer now?”

Tess then raises the gun with alarming confidence and pulls the trigger with no hesitation, the shot plowing through her guest’s heart.

Tess then begins the process of cleaning up the mess she’s made.

*

Strolling down the street, Tess now moves with purpose. As well, there has been a remarkable shift in her appearance. She is stunning, cutting a stylish figure in large maroon sunglasses and the same red coat she wore earlier. Yet it would appear she’s wearing no makeup at all; that very little effort has been put into her sudden state of grace.

However, there is only one thing on her mind now. She has to pick up James, even if she is late. She knows he’ll be so happy to see her, regardless of the circumstances. And so what if she should happen to run into Michael again? That could now be taken care of easily. Things may have taken longer than usual this time, she thinks to herself, but everything will be OK again. Just as before. Just as it always will be…

*

While walking to meet James one late autumn afternoon, Tess decided to stop off at the bank and withdraw a large amount of cash. Making it to him not twenty minutes later, she knelt to greet him and accepted his warm hug.

“Mummy!” he shouted with joy.

She then pulled him close and whispered in his hear. “Mummy has a surprise for you. We’re going to go on a trip.”

“Where? What could possibly be better than this place? We’re not moving again, are we?”

“No. We’re not. We are staying right where we are. Forever.”

“Right here, in my school’s parking lot?”

She smiled warmly, stood up and rubbed his head. “Scandalous child. Let’s go, shall we?”

She took his hand and gently tugged him along.

“But you haven’t told me ‘bout where we’re going.”

Tess knelt to be at his level again. “It’s somewhere quite like this place, only better.”

“Better how?”

“Everything looks the same. Everything smells the same. Everything even tastes the same. Only you’ll be much happier with everything.”

“Than are we really going anywhere?”

“Yes. We are. But we’ve to make a small stop first, alright?”

“Oh, I suppose. But I’m so excited it’s killing me.”

“Yes, babe, I know. But soon that feeling will be over. And you won’t have to feel dreadful for a very, very long time.”

“Why not never again?”

“Because…things just don’t work that way, love. To do what we’re doing, to go where we’re going, it requires sacrifices, and that’s one of them.”

“Sacrifices? Like Jesus?”

Tess smiled warmly, observing his Catholic school attire, “It hadn’t occurred to me, but yes. It’s going to be a lot like that, son.”

As James leaned into hug her, she spotted a man in the distance, a familiar man, but one she couldn’t quite recall. She only knew that she had to leave. Now. Time was running out.

She grabbed James’ hand and led him down a few blocks and into the gun store. “Now wait here, just one more thing and Mummy will be all ready. All ready for our big trip.”

Once they got home to the town house, Tess laid her new, locked box on the table and headed toward the family room, only she noticed James had stopped following her.

“What’s the matter, dear?”

James now sported a frightened look, all the warmth and happiness of before gone. “I don’t want to be here.”

“Why not? This is your home! Don’t be silly.”

“NO! I don’t want to be here,” he yelled.

“James, calm down!”

He then began to cry. Tess grabbed his chin and focused her eyes on his. “Listen to me. Everything is going to be OK…soon.”

“Mummy?”

Tess turned around to see a small child, a strawberry blonde with green eyes. Another James.

She slowly looked at the James in front of her and, noting his now calm demeanor, walked to the locked box, flipped it open, grabbed the gun and shot the new James in the chest, killing him instantly.

Original James only stood there, looking on with no reaction. Tess, waiting a few moments in order to confirm his eerie complacency, then fell to her knees and began to sob. “I hate this part. I always hate this part.”

Another person emerged from the back room, stepping over the slain James. A worn-looking mother with bright red hair and hazel eyes – another Tess. “I know. But it’s the only way. Now look at me.”

“But how will I find the key again? It keeps getting harder.”

“I don’t know. But just look at me and this will all be over.”

Original Tess did and, as if experiencing divination, stopped crying and said, “Look, all better.” She then shot the new Tess only once, which was enough. She knew by then exactly where to aim.

*

Tess’ stride begins to slow. Ignoring the part that comes after the look in his eyes is getting harder. She fights back tears knowing that this is the sacrifice she must make every time.

Lost in her thoughts, Tess is given a jolt when she realizes she’s not alone. Walking beside her now is that man. The man she never seems to know, but does now.

“Michael,” she says, smiling wearily.

“Ah, caught you early, I see,” he notes.

“Yes. Yes, you did.”

They walk along in silence for almost a full minute.

“So,” says Michael, finally breaking the tension, “How many times you gonna put him through this?”

Tess stops and Michael goes a few paces ahead before doing the same and turning to look back at her.

“Through what? An almost everlasting sense of peace?”

“At what cost?”

Tess only rolls her eyes.

“Have you seriously not thought about any of this? About why the periods between your…rebirths,” he spits the word with disgust, “keep getting longer? About why it never gets easier for you to look your only child in the eyes before putting a bullet through his heart?”

Remaining silent, Tess only grits her teeth.

“Ah, I see. I had it wrong. You have, haven’t you? You have put thought into it. But you can’t let go, can you? Somehow, and I didn’t think this was possible, I think that makes me hate you even more. I mean, seriously, can’t you let him grow up? Live long enough to see how it all might turn out?”

“Don’t tell me how to raise my child,” she finally says, more with fatigue than anger.

“Look,” Michael reaches for her, but she pulls out her gun and puts the barrel to his forehead.

“In broad daylight, Tess?”

“None of this matters. Kill you, the you you, and I’ll be done with all of you. I’ll be in real trouble for a while. But it won’t be long before—”

“You have to shoot your own kid again?”

Her grip on the gun tightens. “Shut up.”

Michael swallows in natural fear response, but has no intention of stopping. “Before you have to watch him bleed out, before you have to clean it all up, just like always?”

“Shut up!” she yells, pulling the trigger. But click. No result.

Michael, having flinched, straightens his posture with a shaken sigh as Tess begins to crumble to the ground. “No,” she cries. “This, this can’t be…”

Letting her sob, Michael easily takes the gun from her distraught hands. “Hmm. Playtime over?”

Tess looks up at him, as hateful as could be.

“Yeah, I think you may have run out of one-ups.”

As if remembering something he didn’t realize he had forgotten, Michael opens his hand, revealing the key.

Tess reaches for it but is shocked to watch it slowly fade from existence, right in front of her.

“No…”

“I can’t believe it,” says Michael. “I really can’t believe it.” His tough mask now dissolving, he to falls to his knees and throws his hands up in the air. “Thank you. Thank you!” Happy tears flow over his cheeks before he breathes deep and wipes his face of with his coat sleeve.

Getting up, he offers his hand. “I suppose this is goodbye then.”

Tess ignores his hand, gets up on her own and, her back toward him, replies, “I can only hope so.”

Tess begins to walk away.

“Hey,” Michael calls after her.

She stops, but doesn’t turn around.

“I would apologize, but the only thing I’d be sorry for is not being able to hide the key from you better after all those years. You somehow always knew, intuitively, how to find it, even after we had been so deep into the process we had forgotten who each other were.”

There is a long silence before Tess says, “You were always a terrible husband, but a decent father, I suppose. If there’s one thing I’m sorry for, and I suppose I truly should be sorry now, finally facing mortality as I am, it’s that I made it so you two could never see each other again. I had to forget you, and that meant erasing you as completely as I could.”

“Yeah, well…” Michael never finishes his thought,

After an even longer period of no one saying anything, they then start off in separate directions.

As Michael wanders on, he begins to look more and more lost. After a while, passersby begin to mistake him for a confused tourist, leaving him alone, all of them believing someone else will finally stop to help him.

Just before she enters the school lot, Tess feels a chill across her spine, but doesn’t turn around. She bundles her red collar tighter. She smiles. “I love autumn.”